5:32 p.m. - 2009-11-17
second entry
And again. An other entry.

I love 'How I met your mother'. I truly love it. Not because of the story, it can be lame sometimes. But because it portrays a groud of friends, close to each other, and can rely on each other. So every time I feel a little sad watching it. Alright, once it pushed me into some deep depression... It wasn't pleasant.

I want a group of friends too that I can talk openly. And not twice in a year. I want to go and have a drink, talk about stupid stuff a few times a week.

Why can't I keep friends.

I thought I'm an easy someone to be friends with, but I somehow can't keep them. Why they leave me like that, why they don't even try to get back with me, it wouldn't require much. Really.

Please. I want back my parties, my group of idiots.

Someone tell me what am I doing wrong.

I want to be more open. I want to trust people more. I don't want to feel this nervous. I don't want to end up alone, being evil just because I'm jealous of others how have friends, lovers and lives...

I have a friend... Or had. Dunno Whatever. She started going out with a bastard, but they are STILL together, it's almost a year now. I kind of hate how they got together, and how they seem happy together. It hurt double times, because she was the one I ranted together with that we need a guy who is THE ONE. And I hate how she looks like she found it, and I didn't... Yes, I'm kind of hurt because of this, and I hate that couple because of this.

Not to mention no matter how the guy changes he is still a dick.

7:41 p.m. - 2009-11-07
The first entry
Alright.

This journal will be my new dairy. I'm planning on writing in it about myself, about relationships such as friendship and love, maybe family too.

The joke is in this whole project is, that I'm not really a relationship person. Mostly I decided to start this blog because I realized I need to get out some stuff of my system before I go mad, and I'm too ashamed to do it in my main blog. I could do it in private too, but since I'm an egoist, I need to feel at least a little that someone will read this. Thank god for the internet where people can write about stupid stuff without really getting laughed at. Or at least they are not aware of it... So please laugh at this blog all you want but never inform me about it... I will be thankful.

So, as I said, relationships. I'm 23 years old, and still a virgin. I'm without a boyfriend in this minute too. And I stayed home instead of going to that birthday party they mass-invited me on facebook. It's pathetic. But I really didn't have the strength to go there, have a glass of martini, being ignored and come home crying how useless I am, and how people just ditched me. I know it's partly my fault, because I never say out things loud, sometimes I can be so distant I even surprise myself. But I like people, I like talking to people, I like it when they are around me, but then I don't know why they make themselves distant from me-- Or maye I was the one? I think it was everyone's fault.

I know this doesn't make sense, but maybe after a while it will. I can't believe I started a blog about these stupid things.

Let's start at the beginning... or somewhere. Once, when I was 16... I think I was 16 I vowed I will never cry because of a boy, or because I don't have a boyfriend, and I try to stuck to it today too. Though it's kinda getting harder, and harder. I never had a 'relationship' more than a month with a guy.

I still remember the first one. His name was David, and he was very nice... Had my first kiss was nice, but it wasn't really romantic, it just happened. I think it lasted two weeks, and I think I got bored and that's why I broke up. Yes, it was me.

Then a few years after that, I got together with another guy Peter. I was bored he was bored, we took the same course... So we started dating. It was actually a horrible period of my life because he was an ass, and he had an ass friend, a girl who totally was convinced THEY are dating, and tried to hunt me down at every corner. Did I mention she was in the same course as we? And of course they were friends before so I was the useless third... I think that was one of the reasons I broke up... The guy was actually had sex with her, even during out dating. And he was even proud to say it saying that at least he was honest. Thank you.

Then after two years after that, another guy came, that really had to fight for me. He was trying to get me for two years and I once turned him off, then after a year, I said yes. I vowed, I wanted very, very hard that it should turn out good, I really wanted it. I liked him, and I think we were close, he was trustworthy, a funny guy, smart... Still a little immature, but I didn't care. Or at least I thought it doesn't matter.

It lasted a month. I broke up. Because in the last two weeks, I couldn't stop crying... I kept feeling very, very disappointed. I was always waiting for 'Pince Charming' and do romantic things. One of my favourite fantasies that he will buy me a pair of gorgeous red shoes, and puts it on my feet... So we broke up. A few months later he got a girlsfriend and I couldn't help being jealous. They only knew each other for months, and it happened they were having sex while he was trying to get me.

He was the one telling me it, when after a party we ended up in his bed. He was drunk, and I didn't know what I was thinking. Really. But since he was drunk he told me the whol story of that other girl, and that they are still being in an 'open' relationship, so we can really have sex now without any boundaries. He said that sex is the thing everyone wants, and it's very easy, and I shouldn't be that afraid. He rambled about how I was afraid and all.

Maybe I was because I didn't let him do anything. But I never felt any more right about it.

I'm not a confident person, but I was confident in that choice of mine.

After this party, the people from that cirlce of 'friends' were barely talking with me. We got more distant and distant, I know I did my share too as in ditching parties, and all... but none of them asked why. After a while, they never called me.

It kinda hurts, and giving me a feeling as if I was some grandma in her 70ies having noone, and can't go anywhere. I'm afraid to go out on my own, because I'm a girl, I'm short, and sometimes too naive...

So that was one circle of friends.

My other circle of friends are kinda busy, and they have OTHER friends. Good for them. When I still had my own I didn't realize that we really only met three times A YEAR, but now I actually do. I'm feeling alone more and more, and it's not a good thing. Though it's not that I'm alone, I think if I would be in really deep shit I could call a few people, but I don't want to bother them. They have their lives, everyone has their lives, so why woud I bother them with my patheticly tiny problems of 'hey I don't have anyone because I was kinda antisocial with them' bullshit. They all have bigger problems than me, and I don't really know how to help them either.

This feeling of alone, even went to the point where I almost had sex with a guy who paid a little attention to me, and kinda threated me as a girl to lose his virginity with. But thank god one of my friends said 'if you were waiting all these years why would you throw it away just like that?' I thought she was right.

I was also calmer a bit knowing that someone will at least save me from the Pit...

So, I'm still a virgin, and people say I shouldn't be ashamed, but when your mother is putting up your profile on internet dating sites, you start to think a little... I think that was when my desperation about relationships started to deepen, and I started to get very bad feelings toward couples.

So this is it. For now.

By the way, the name is Rim, if anyone wants to call me or anything.

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